My Fair Rurouni
by beatemlaetemcanem
Summary: X-over with My Fair Lady. Higgins and Pickering decide to visit Japan, and run into a rurouni with grammar problems.


Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it (except any mentions of my last story).

Author's note: Umm, That Time kind of bled (pun intended) into the end without my realizing it. And I finally finish this and my internet connection isn't connecting...

List of Characters (for those of you who haven't read or heard of either My Fair Lady or Rurouni Kenshin. And for those who have issues remembering who's who.):

Kenshin Himura- the redheaded Hitokiri Battosai (essentially, the most famous assassin in Japan during the Bakumatsu, the revolution. The story takes place approximately ten years after, when Kenshin has turned into a peaceful wanderer, otherwise known as a rurouni.) who speaks in the third person and acts like a nitwit to avoid conflict. However, some would argue that it isn't an act.

Tae- the owner of the Akabeko (the Beef Pot, a famous restaurant in the story).

Kaoru Kamiya- the stubborn and violent owner of the dojo where Kenshin stays. She teaches kendo to a few students (the style she teaches is dedicated to preserving life, not killing one's opponents, which means that Tokyo's death count is a lot lower than it would be otherwise), and was once called a tanuki (raccoon) by one of Kenshin's enemies. The nickname stuck.

Professor Henry Higgins- teaches phonetics to a flower girl called Eliza in order to win a bet with Pickering. He's very manipulative, with no regards for others' feelings except when he can use them to his advantage. As described often by Eliza, he's a bully.

Colonel Pickering- the only person who can stand being around Higgins for a long period of time without being paid to. He's an elderly man with the upbringing of a gentleman (unlike Higgins, so he actually treats people like people).

And now for something completely different...

* * *

Kenshin was helping Tae out at the Akabeko. Tae had, well, demanded it since Kaoru had gotten really angry when some drunk had tried to grope her. Tried was the operative word there, since Kaoru had recognized the motions and beaten the guy up in less than five seconds. He was really thankful that he had talked her into leaving her bokken at home, but it was amazing how much damage one really, really miffed tanuki could do. Unfortunately, she had used the booth to teach the idiot a lesson in pain he would never forget, so Tae wanted reimbursement. Kenshin got roped into it since Tae didn't want a repeat performance from Kaoru, although it had caused sales to go up a lot.

So that was the reason why he had to wear the outfit, though Tae had fortunately taken out the bow for him, and serve customers. Some of them were so bad that he almost wished he hadn't said that he would kill any more.

The five hours passed quickly enough, in Tae's opinion. Sure, Kenshin's teeth were being ground past the point of nonexistence, but he was being a good employee and not killing and/or maiming anyone, like Kaoru would. The tanuki was one of Tae's best friends, as long as one didn't count all the bloodshed caused.

"Okay, Kenshin-san, that's enough. Just leave the uniform in the back and try not to let Kaoru-san kill anyone else."

"Tae-dono, the guy was just unconscious, not actually-"

"Close enough. They don't pay if they're dead or comatose."

"Oro." Kenshin went to the back of the restaurant, dropped off the uniform, and left. He also needed to do some of the shopping for the week...

He easily got the fish, miso, and a few other ingredients. He didn't really understand why Kaoru insisted that the food be bought in mass quantities, but he preferred being confused to being pounded into the-

"Oro!" He had just crashed into a gaijin because he couldn't see over all of the packages.

"Oh, I say! That's a rather interesting word! Pickering! Are you all right?" Another gaijin, who had a notebook out, asked.

"Yes, Higgins. I just knocked into this young woman-"

"Oro! Sessha is a man!"

"Oh, sorry. The hair and your face make you look a little..." Pickering started.

"Androgynous," Higgins supplied helpfully. By this time, everyone was standing up, and all of the groceries were saved from being trampled. "You know, your grammar needs a lot of help. I would willingly give you lessons for free to prevent any more heinous affronts to the miraculous English language."

"Higgins, you're not taking on another student. Besides, we're speaking in Japanese."

"What is wrong with sessha's grammar?!"

"Do you want the major problems, or all of the details?" Higgins sincerely asked.

"Please, please, please don't get him started on this. It would probably be best for us all to just walk away-" Pickering pleaded before Higgins turned to the gathering crowd and started a monologue in a singsong tone.

"Look at him, a prisoner of the gutters, condemned by every syllable he utters. By rights he should be taken out and hung, for the cold blooded murder of the-"

"Kenshin!" Kaoru yelled, finally finding Kenshin after he was forty minutes late. "You said you were going to come straight home, but you didn't, and I- who are these gaijin?"

Kenshin was a little worried. First, Kaoru had her bokken, which meant that heavy groveling would probably get him out of the situation...

"You know, young lady, I could probably transform your accent into the proper one, and you would be able to pass as the emperor's daughter at the next ball," Higgins started.

"What do you mean, proper?! I'm not interested in being taught by some foreigner how to speak my own language, especially since I- DON'T- LIKE- BALLS!" She punctuated the last four words with a strike of her bokken, successfully hitting Higgins each time.

It was a long while before Kenshin was finally able to pull her off Higgins.

"Sorry," he said to Pickering.

"Oh, don't worry. I daresay, he's quite used to this with Eliza," Pickering chuckled. He leaned over the unfortunate professor and asked, "What did we learn again this time, Higgins?"

"Don't take on another female student if one wants to live past fifty and be able to have a family," he groaned. "Especially if they're-"

"Higgins, that's a taboo subject around women!" Pickering looked a little panicked, and then quickly composed himself and said goodbye to Kenshin and Kaoru.

As the two walked back to the dojo, Kaoru wondered what subject was taboo. Kenshin already knew what it was, having lived with Kaoru for a few years and still survived, and was really, really relieved that Pickering had stopped Higgins from mentioning it.

* * *

Review! It's the only sign I get that anyone's reading this, and it's great to have feedback! Any and all flames will be sent to Antarctica to keep the penguins and seals warm.


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